Well I’ve been a bit lax....

...in updating both blogs, sorry.  It’s all been a bit hectic for reasons that will be apparent if you head over to the sister blog of this page. And this blog is going to be rather long, sorry in advance!

So fitness, weight loss and personal development; where do I begin? Last time we spoke I had hit that Valhalla of mental states where I was finally happy in myself. Unfortunately that took a turn back to old habits about two weeks ago and I’ve kicked, screamed and clawed my way back out of the maddening abyss that is low self esteem to regain my place back in the sun.

It all came to a head on Saturday last weekend (my wedding anniversary as well, my poor OH, how he copes with all this is anyone’s guess). We had decided to take the day as a complete rest day, no gym etc.  We went shopping in my nation’s glorious capital and planned to have a slap up meal and then on to the cinema to watch The Dark Night Returns.  In TK Maxx the horrors descended with alarming pace.  I got hot and flustered, my temperature raised and my temper flared.  It’s not pretty when the red mist of self loathing descends. It’s quite scary not just for me but for my other half.  Sat in the changing cubical I had those thoughts again; the ones where I want to punch myself hard and take a knife to my fat.  Those thoughts of utter worthlessness and the voice that screams at you to ‘grow up and act your age, stop trying to be something you’re not’.  I thought those feelings and thoughts were long gone, but they reared their head in alarming fashion. And I became so scared, really very scared, then very angry.  On leaving the changing room I handed the assistant everything, looked at OH and said that I wanted to go home. So we left Cardiff and headed homeward with me sobbing my heart out.

What brought on this apparent sudden U turn in my mental state, I can pinpoint pretty accurately. The weather in the UK has been awfully drab, wet and humid which doesn’t instil smiles and happiness in the most positive of people, recent photographs of me performing haven’t been complimentary at all, and the IT Band issue has hampered my training. I’ve felt very frumpy and frustrated. Add to that my disappointment in myself with returning to old habits of secret binge eating of chocolate and crisps, and I guess it was just waiting to explode.  I’m glad it happened when it did and not 3 months down the line when I have every possibility of it spiralling out of control.

Half way home, I asked OH to turn the car into an out of town shopping complex and we had a lovely wander around, I bought myself some new trail shoes for a new goal I’m setting myself and we had our slap up meal of grilled chicken and salad (the waitress looked at us daft when asked for no potatoes or sauce) and then dessert was my small salted popcorn at the cinema whilst watching Batman (great film, go and see it if you can and if you are a DC fan like me, spot the different story threads from various graphic novels ). The red mist started to lift a little, and Pandora’s screaming tantrum lost a little of its steam.

The one thing I’ve learned on this journey is that you have to be honest if you’re going to journal about it. So that’s why I wanted to write about it here.  I think this whole blog has been so cathartic that it’s made me realise there is a light at the end of the very long tunnel, and though there are light switches along the way, sometimes there has to be a power cut to help you refocus and march to the next switch and turn the light back on again. The light isn’t fully back on yet, I know from experience that it takes a few days but there’s a flickering ember on the filament and that tells me the power is there just building up in the background so a little time and it’ll be back to full wattage.

Team Triaxis

Apart from that, everything else has been amazing!  Well apart from the ITB injury – grrrr.  We had our Race for Life (CJ and I) and we did really well considering I’ve not been able to run more than 3km without the knee giving in. We completed the 5km course in exactly 30 minutes.  So happy with that, and CJ was a godsend, being that little voice of extra motivation when my knee really started to hurt.  We raised £711.50 which I’m thrilled with, especially as OH’s cousin is going through treatment for breast cancer right at this moment. Cancer Research UK is a cause very dear to me as is, so it’s important that I keep doing these races.  One day we will beat it.

6 Races, 6 Medals.
There will be more!

So where am I currently?  Well after my episode on the weekend, I dusted myself off and started afresh almost immediately (no sauce or potatoes remember?), instead of waiting until Monday and thinking ‘Hell, I’ve blown it all anyway I may as well wait until Monday’. No sir, not me.  This time I got myself back together, and stopped the slip becoming the slide. So since then I’ve gone cold turkey on the chocolate and crisps, and to be honest today was the first day I’ve thought ‘ooh I fancy...’ but I’ve dug my heels in.  It’s just not worth it. Since Sunday I’ve been back to clean-eating; lots of vegetables, lean proteins, brown rice, fruit and nuts. Water is the order of the day, and lots of it.  And within five days I noticed my skin was much clearer, I have more energy and I'd lost the weight I had regained through my binge eating plus and extra pound for good measure.  My body fat is finally sitting at exactly 30%, only another 5% to get shot of so I’ll be in the healthy range.

I have sought physiotherapy for the injury and it was as I thought, I have IT Band Syndrome. My symptoms have been caused by something we in my pole school have affectionately termed ‘lazy arse syndrome’.  The medial gluteus has ceased to take on its correct function and a couple of the muscles in the quadriceps have taken control instead, so the leg chain is all out of kilter.  I have a weak posterior Medial Gluteus on the right hand side (for all you anatomy buffs out there). And instead of that dictating the movement of the leg chain, the body has opted for the strong muscles to take over.  The pain that this ‘cheating’ creates is unbelievable.  It’s like someone scraping a razor blade on the lateral side of the knee. Because the work is being done by the quads, the IT band has shrunk slightly and starts to rub on the outside of the knee joint, hence the pain on the top of the tibia. However, treatment is simple and it doesn’t stop you doing the vast majority of your workouts, just running becomes painful after around 3km, so no running for me for a while until the IT band resumes its correct position in the leg and I do some interesting Pilates based leg exercises to strengthen my gluteus. I just have to be patient and not try to run before I can walk (quite literally in this case).  I’ve switch the treadmill for the cross trainer but I have an appointment next week to see if I can resume short 1.5/2km runs to see how the IT band is doing.

Pole has been going from strength to strength, and that’s not just figuratively speaking.  I have conquered the cross ankle and cress knee releases after overcoming my fear of just letting go. I have mastered the Eye Opener (or Hello Boys) and Lady garden wrist seat positions, Crucifix hold is in place and I’m now inverting and did my first inverted crucifix with Dawn’s guidance.  We have also started a Choreography and Sass class and have the most fun doing routines to some cracking rock tracks.  My upper body strength is on the increase all the time.  I love pole, it’s the best fun ever.

I’ve taken on my first client with weight loss coaching. She’s a wonderful, amazing and talented woman and I’m thrilled she’s asked me to be her coach.  In many ways she’s been a great help to me to regain my focus as well.  After all I can’t be a coach to someone if I’m not leading by example?  I’m really excited about helping her fulfil her goals.  She’s so determined and positive; she’s a real breath of fresh air. 

I’ve completed the nutrition element of personal training (very happy with that) and have just received my advanced anatomy and physiology course book as well as the dates for the taught section of my Advance Training Approaches module.  Once those are complete I only have two remaining modules and I qualify as a Certified Personal Trainer.  While I’m building my client base I will start working on the three modules to progress to Advanced PT and the Level 4 module in Obesity and Diabetes. I have a plan written out and so far, apart from the hiccup in Nov 2011 where we had to pay for a new kitchen roof, all is on course for 2013 to be the year I start the Personal Training arm of the new venture in full swing.  I am beyond excited.

I've also set myself a new goal.  I've joined the Spartan Chicks and am gearing up to compete in the Spartan series of races. These are obstacle races set over varying distances.  The Sprint is over 3miles, the Super over 8 miles and the Beast over 12 miles, there is also the Super Beast which is marathon distance (26.2miles) and the Death Race, an endurance event over 48 hours and no real know distance mixing mud, obstacles, metal agility and stamina. Yep I'm going to get myself muddy in the name of fitness and fun.  Mostly because I want to do them, but secondly because why the hell not?  I'll start out slow with a few Sprints, and work my way up. And, if all goes well fitness wise, I'd like to attempt the Trifecta in 2014 and the the Super Beast and Death Race in 2015 - when I'll be celebrating hitting 40 ;)  So something to aim for.

You better believe it!

Strangely putting all that down in this blog has made me smile and appreciate that I’ve done a lot of late and I have much to look forward to.  I’ve been through a small rough patch but ultimately in the grand scheme of things everything is still very positive. The injury will improve with care, my self esteem is back in the increase and even the weather has improved slightly (for how long is anyone’s guess).  Told you this blog thing was cathartic. Here’s a little motivational poster I found on the day I had my attack of the horrors, it reminded me that sometimes we need to look back to appreciate where we are going:

Be kind to yourself, even when that voice shouts and you can’t hear anything but her.

Much love, as always,

Krissie 

xx

By Jove, I think I've cracked it.....

Well, when I say cracked it, I don't think I've figured out a definitive 'this is what you should do way' of ensuring you feel comfortable in your own skin, but for me personally I've had a bit of a breakthrough.

I suppose a lot of it has been to do with the accepting that I'm not wonder woman after all, that I can't do everything and also that I need to just let certain things go, drift off and not worry about them so unnecessarily. It's been quite the breakthrough 12 months since I decided that I needed to start figuring out what exactly it would take to regain my inner peace.  It rarely bothered me as a kid what others thought of me yet through much of my adult life it's been of massive concern.  I'm still not 100% sure why that is, and if Freud were still alive he'd probably ask my to take a seat and tell him about my mother. But really I think the most of it stems from my weight issues.

And this is where the biggest leap forward comes into play.

2 weeks ago I was sat on the sofa having my usual banter with the hubby and discussing the day's happenings when it dawned on me... I'm really comfortable being 12 stone in weight. I'm not displeased, berating myself, calling myself names, I'm not fat (well technically I'm still overweight according to medical definitions but I'm in the best shape I've ever been in my adult life), I'm active, healthy, in a size 14 (straight off the hanger I might add) and doing the things I love to do.

I actually realised that I might not lose anymore weight, body fat yes and maybe a couple of pounds but I will gain muscle, I will be smaller but I'll still weight roughly the same. And that's OK, in fact that's perfectly fine and I'm happy with that.  I look in the mirror and she's gone, the hephalump, big tonne Bess who stared at me for so many years, and Pandora is really quiet, no snide quips, no derogatory remarks.  I look in the mirror and for the first time in a very long time I actually see me.  And she's not half bad.  This is a massive leap forward, I'm utterly accepting of myself and though I might still want to ditch some body fat (but that's because I want to have that sleek muscular look) the number on the scale is finally meaningless.

So this breakthrough comes, and I decide that to really ensure I'm looking after my new found mental equilibrium that it's time to just do some final adjustments on my food habits.  Mainly sugar.  I have a reaction to it and I break out in spots. I'm pretty sure it causes my skin oil to increase production and I can always tell when I've had a lot of sugar as I have an outbreak.  So out went the daily treats and now it's a couple of squares (literally 2) of chocolate, maybe some berries and cream, and possibly on the odd occasion a Krissie friendly cake from Starbucks, but otherwise the rice cakes with chocolate and the ginger truffle squares have all been ditched (plus as they are all free from, they cost a bomb too). The decision on the sugary treats was reached last Friday when the last of the cakes in the cupboard were eaten.  We just decided not to buy anymore.  So last Friday (May 27th) that was that.  I get on the scale yesterday morning (to check my body fat percentage more than anything) and BAM, I've lost 3lbs in weight and 2% body fat.  GO FIGURE!

I'm now at 165lbs, I've lost a total of 85lbs.  And to top it all off, I'm 1lb away from being no longer clinically  overweight.  For the first time in 15 years, if that last pound drops off, I'll cease to be overweight officially.....

That's made my day, that has. Oh and I managed 40 full press ups on Tuesday this week, not all in one go of course, I did a set of 10, then did my cardio drill, then did 10 repeated my cardio drill and so on and so forth.  Which reminds me tomorrow I'll update my workout page.  BUT, and this is the huge thing. If I do ever get to 10stone 10lbs (150lbs) then great but you know what, it's absolutely no biggee if I don't.  I really am finally happy in my own skin and I don't think it's the number on my scale, that's not important anymore.  I think what's helped me reach this milestone has been all the research into eating habits, thought processes of why I was turning to food, learning to let go of issues new and old and ultimately realising only I have the power to make myself happy or sad, and I choose happy every time.  Nothing beats this feeling.... not even chocolate.


As always, be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

Much love

Krissie
x

We're all prone to injury and stupidity....

For those of you who follow my madness on myfitnesspal, you'll have all heard me mention that I've been exceptionally intermittent with my trips to the gym.  The reason for that is that I aggravated my iliotibial band a few weeks ago.

A few factors have added to the aggravation but the main reason that my knee joint was slightly out of kilter is that I clattered my foot on the steel frame of my piano stool when practicing a move on my pole at home. I badly bruised the outside of my right foot and in doing so I then started to compensate for the pain in my foot by what is called over pronation. In other words instead of walking naturally, I unconsiously placed more empahsis on rolling the foot inwards so the pain on the outside of the foot wouldn't be felt.  It's something we all have a tendancy to do - you've hurt your elbow so you rest your arm slightly over in the other direction to stop it hurting, but you often don't realise you've done it. Having no idea that this is what I'd done I carried on training and also started running outdoors.

Great read - recommended

A few weeks later I started a new training programme and one that I recommend as it's full of great ideas for excercises that you don't necessarily need a gym for. In this programme there are lots of compound exercises, such as romainian single leg dead lifts (you have a dumbell in one hand and your stand on the opposite leg, you then bend from the hip and touch the dumbell to the floor) and Bulgarian split squats (you have one leg up on a bench and you squat to drop the back knee to the floor - tough little blighters). There is also the overhead squat, and this was where my stubborness came back to bite me on the arse. As I back squat 35kg, I in my finite wisdom thought 30kg for overhead squatting would be fine! WRONG! Instead of dropping to 10kg and perfecting technique, I went all guns blazing with wrong form and did 8 reps at 30kg. Needless to say I soon dropped the weight down (to 20kg, i should have gone lower) and did another 8 reps. I honestly thought my shoulders and knees were about to implode. I instantly did what I do when something doesn't feel right or I don't like it, I decided I couldn't do it and settled on omitting it permenantly from my programme. (Have I mentioned I can be stubborn and obstinate?) I'm also happy to admit when I've gone too far or done something daft, and going that heavy on a new move was just plain stupid.  What I should have done is researched the move on youtube before I tried it in the gym and dropped the weight to the lowest barbell of 5kg and worked up as I have done with everything else - and that is something I recomend to you if you are doing any strength training without a PT (I'd advise you get a PT first as last as they are worth their weight in gold but if you can't youtube is an amazing tool and perfect your form before you move up the weights)

After that interesting take on squatting, I resumed with my split squats, deadlifts etc, a 3km run, used the foam roller, stretched and ended my session. I felt fantastic, overhead squatting dissapointment aside. The following weekend I was at one of my LRP events and on the first night of lots of walking up and down sand dunes etc a searing pain encompassed my right knee. I've not felt pain like that ever. On the flat I was fine, but walking uphill, downhill and attempting to run, I was in utter agony.  The pain eased after the event was over and things went back to normal. I decided that I would give my limbs a rest form the gym for a little while and concentrate on pole for the performance and as life was getting in the way.

I got back in the gym at the end of April and did a 2km run. Towards the end of the run my knee started to aggravate again. Two days later I purchased a pair of new shoes and it was by wearing these flat shoes that I realised that the outside of my right foot was a little painful, and that's when I thought that I had possibly been over pronating my foot. I looked up over pronation and true to form there was the symptom that proved the fact, the lower end of the IT band being caused aggrivation but the knee joint being slightly out of place. Having done heavy weights, ran and treked all over the sand dunes of South Wales while turning my foot in slightly had added to the irritation that was leaving me in agony.

So having made the concious effort to realign my foot and walk correctly, ensure that I foam roller every day and have had my IT band seen to it's all looking good for a full recovery.  I got in the gym yesterday and did a 2.5km run and not a niggle in sight.  This pleases me immensely as I have my annual Race for Life coming up in Juy and I'd like to best my result of 30mins 30seconds for the 5Km from last year.

So the programme restarted on Tuesday, I did a cardio intensive programme on Wednesday and I'll be strength training on Friday (tomorrow).   Must remember that slow and steady wins the race, and if i'm injured I can't run for charity or attend my pole dancing class. Must stop getting too over excited by the new shiny things ;)

Anyways, be kind to yourself always
Much love
Krissie
x

So I faced my fear....

I know I've been harping on about it for the whole week over on my Facebook page but this is something huge for me, well I suppose it's something huge for anyone who has battled with their own self image.  But last Saturday my pole dance school put on a Birthday Showcase to celebrate the studio having been open for a whole year.  Students, seasoned performers and our instructor all put on a show to raise money for Ty Olwen Trust (a hospice for palliative care in Swansea).

We raised the amazing amount of £600.  I am so very very pleased to have been a small part in that.

Getting your legs out in tiny Daisy Dukes for all unsundry to see isn't my usually idea of fun. As you all know from reading this blog I've battled with my own insecurities when it comes to my body and how I (and vainly how others) perceive it. I think it's fair to say we all do, make and female alike. So to not only wear revealing (for me) attire and then to pole dance in said attire to an audience of almost 100 people?? Yep that's a scary prospect. Armed with Rainbow's Lady of the Lake, and adopting the stage name Annie Rage Dio (yeah I know, I couldn't help myself), I donned the denim hot pants, my slashed Iced Earth T and with lots of hair flying about the place I danced a fairly ok routine for 3 and half minutes.  And I actually enjoyed it.

Yep that's me on the pole giving the horns



I am exceptionally proud that even though nerves had rendered me a wreck for the best part of 3 days on the run up to the performance, I still sucked it up and did it.  It was remeniscent of taking that first step into the gym and fearing that everyone was looking at and judging you.  Only difference is this time everyone IS looking at you. You are on your own, it's just you and a 50mm thick, 10 foot tall piece of steel on a platform. As I had said to my fellow students, you can put me on a stage in jeans and a tshirt with mic in hand and I will feel the utterly at home, it's MY stage and you will pay attention. But this, this was something else. 

On the pole you are exposed, there is only your body and how it moves to wow the audience with. There is only your strength and poise to gain approval.  BUT and this was the thing I learned the most from doing this, there is also confidence. Attack it as though it's something you do everyday, and suddenly, what nerves? They flew out the window and I realised, 'hang on I'm enjoying this, and the crowd are whooping and appluading' and I didn't fall off. (Thankfully).  Things I have learned from the day are: if you forget the moves just keep moving and flicking that hair; point your toes more; straighten out the legs for a smoother line; and build on upper body strength further. But I am very pleased with how it all went.  And I am exceptionally proud of my fellow students/performers and of Dawn for being an inspiration.

As for the new target well, I didn't hit my weightloss target but I have lost 3 inches all over in the last month so that has pleased me and I haven't put on an weight either.  I have started a new training routine which I've only managed to complete 4 sessions of end of March and then ended up with a sore knee (due to something else not the new routine) but that's a blog for another day.

2012 for me is all about embracing the fear; fear of those things that sit in the back of the mind; those things that you look at others doing and think 'if only'. This year I've been making it my mission to say 'why not?' Why not me to be the one to take the bull by the horns and start learning a new skill, why not then take that skill and run with it at a performance level? And that's exactly what I did. I have many people to thank for helping me embrace the fear on this the first of my challenges that I've set myself and they know who they are.

So hello personal acceptance with my body, hello new found confidence about performing in public and not solely relying on my voice, hello to the me that I've been looking for for quite some time.  I always knew you were in here somewhere.

So what's next in my challenges for this year.  Well.... I'll tell you more on it another time ;)

Until then, be kind to yourself, as always

Much love

Krissie

x

A New Target, and do something scary? Oh, OK then...

One day I will be able to do this :D

I've become enamoured with the idea that we should all embrace doing something that scares the bejesus out of us.  One of those scary things, for me, is showing my far from perfect body in public in less than a tshirt and jeans. So to do something that invloves having as much bare skin available as possible, in public....well *bites nails*!  I'm not talking naked, oh no but shorts and cropped top and I'm talking shorts as in Daisy Duke's for those that can remember the Dukes of Hazard. So after a very strenuous and fun pole dancing class last night, I have decided to bite the bullet and do my first solo performance in May.

I'm not very good at this stage, I hasten to add, as I'm still learning the basics, I've only been doing proper classes for 10 weeks so far. The spins I am fairly competent with, my climb is getting stronger and I can now sit on the pole with just my legs keeping me from sliding into an ungraceful heap at the foot of the stage (yes I did shout 'Look Ma, no hands' when I finally let go of the pole and just used my legs to maintain grip).  However, I have yet to master some of the extensions and I haven't even begun on the inversions. I have 8 weeks before the performance.  I should also perhaps stop shouting 'weeeeeeeeeeeee' as I fall into the Kamikazi spin :D

The routine will be done only in front of my class mates, other students at my dance school and our family and friends.  And it is for charity. But to say I'm a little apprehensive is an understatement. I know I will only be doing spins and tricks that I am capable of doing at this stage, but me being me I want to be hanging up side down by only my toes or something rediculous like that.  I've always wanted to run before I could walk, and that shows no sign of changing as I get older.  So the old adge of older and wiser ummmm no doesn't exist apparently!  I have fallen utterly in love with pole dancing. It's something I've always wanted to try.  I've never really viewed myself as a sexy person, or a graceful dancer - think more elephant from Fantasia - so to do something that can utilise the strength I do have, build on it, increase my flexibility and be a honest to goodness work out, oh and may just happen to give the illusion of being slightly sexier than a hephalump, then I'm game for it. I'm so in love with it I've bought my own pole. Hurrah!

Armed with Thunder's 'I Love You More Than Rock'n'Roll' (and with a list of 5 other rock and metal tracks that I want to start choreographing routines too), you can say that the bug really has bitten hard.  Now I just need to buy some knee pads for rehearsing so I can stop the perpetual bruising on my left knee.

But what about the new target? Well it's just under nine weeks until the performance and I have 18lbs left to lose to get to my goal weight of 150lbs. There is absolutely no reason why I cannot lose at least 8lbs of that before the performance if not a little more.  I've set my target to 10lbs loss.  I'm aiming to be 158 - 160lbs by the time I perform. And this is the start of the final push.  The end goal is in sight and I'm more determined than ever to get to it.  Everytime I get on the treadmill or lift that weight I see her, the me I know I'm meant to be, smiling at that goal line (still with Platinum discs for music and Personal Trainer of the Year award in hand).  It's a powerful image. If I lose that 10lbs by the performance then I'm in last half a stone terriroty.... I'm almost there.  I'm so damned close.  Hovering in the 75-80lb loss mark as I had for the best part of 3 months, the motivation although still there was nowhere near as strong.  It was almost a 'well, if it's going to come off it will come off when it's ready' sort of attitude.  Now I've broke out of that limbo and the weight has started to decrease again I'm looking at it with a renewed determination and I've taken back the control on that attitude. It's no longer a case of thinking it'll come off when it's ready, it's more of an it's coming off period, attitude.

Pole dancing hasn't just helped in the 'get stronger' stakes, it's given me a new found confidence with my own body.  I have stretch marks and scars from weight gain, both visable and in the old noggin' but they are my scars, I own them and I am proud of them as they have helped me become the person I am now.  They are war wounds from many battles and the war is over, I've won! I'm healthier than I have ever been.  I am happier than I have ever been and I am so passionate about this new found way of being that I want to help everyone reap the benefits of lifestyle change for the better  And if I can do that and have fun swinging from a 50mm thick pole in high heels screaming 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' as I spin..... well why the bloody hell not eh?  I'll let you know how it goes and if it's good, I may even post a video....possibly. ;)

Be kind to yourself, always, you rock!
And Much love
Krissie
x

Another Non Scale Victory....hurrah!

So for, oh I don't know how long, I've been on the hunt for a pair of jeans that will not make me look like I'm wearing incontinence pants or that I'm wearing a waist band a size too small giving that 'muffin' top impression - or worse still both at the same time, which is what my current jeans appear to do.

I have hunted high and low, scoured through racks of jeans, cotton jeans style trousers, bootcut, slim leg, skinny, wide leg, jeans at full price, half price and all the other various offers there have been with no sign of finding a pair that fit, or will not stretch too far and will not make me feel like I'm not a frumpy old bird on stage.

Lo, today broke that trend.  The hubby and I decided to go shopping.  Mainly for me to find some new training bottoms, but I thought what the heck, lets take a trip to the Levi's store and see what they've got.  I've not been able to go in that store without feeling like the fat pretender for a very long time.  The last time I owned a pair of kosher Levi's jeans I was about 23 and weighed about 145lbs. Today I decided to suck it up and see if I actually had achieved one of the win conditions I set myself 6 years ago or if I was still going to be that blubbering wreck in the changing room as I have been in the past.

You see, I distinctly recall when a friend of mine was getting married.  My mother being the wonderful woman she is, took me shopping (my big sister came along too) to buy a new outfit for the wedding.  I tried on various outfits and eventually I had to settle for a skirt and jacket ensemble that did nothing for my figure or self esteem. I broke my heart in the changing rooms that day.  Nothing I tried would fit bar this purple mottled suit. Not my best week by a long shot.  The daft thing is that this didn't stop the downward spiral. I got bigger after that day, and I think part of it was the old 'Oh nothing fits now, I'm never going to be thin, I'm never going to be this that and the other'. It's so hard when that thinking becomes the norm.  It's difficult to really break that cycle.  As the years went on, the hubby was witness to many occasions where I would walk out of changing rooms angry with myself, crying at the fact nothing I wanted to wear would fit this size 26 (uk) weighing in at almost 18 stone girl. It wore me out.

But fast forward back to today. Oh my, what a feeling!

I picked up the blackest jeans that Levi's had in store. I chose the pair that (ok they are the widest waist they have at 32 inches) I thought would be the roughly right size.  Now considering that I haven't measured my waistline in about 2 months, I'm thinking at this point I should have actually measured waist and hips before leaving the house but hey ho. I headed to the changing rooms, removed the current jeans (which are 2 size too big now) and placed each leg into the jeans in turn. I have to be honest I was quite apprehensive at this point and I was really waiting for the jeans to hit my upper thighs and not go any further. But no, they slipped on like a glove, the button closed without having the breathe in (how many of us have done that?) and there was no muffin top.  Yes there was a squeal.

I left the changing rooms, the store clerk asked if they were ok, I regaled her with the tale of how it's been 12 years at least since I could fit into a pair of Levi's and then I walked to the counter picked up a second pair and paid - again telling the assistant behind the counter the same story with a stupid big grin on my face (I complimented her on her rather fabulous purple hat so that was my way of thanking her for listening to the exciting ramblings of this loon) and I walked out of Levi's with 2 pairs of jeans and a huge ego boost.

And the upshot of all this?  It's made me ever more determined to hit my target weight loss of 100lbs. Because if that's the feeling I get now, then the feeling I'm going to get when I hit that target is going to be something pretty special.  And yes there will be a huge blog when that day comes.

Be kind to yourself, always.

Much love
Krissie
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Listen up sweet craving demon in my head....

Yes I think we all have one of these little demons that sit in our head shouting at us loudly, 'Sugar I demand sugar' to the point it drive us insane.

Well today my little demon sugar addict and I have had a chat. I've laid down the law to it and told it that I will plicate it only when I deem it fit. My biggest downfall has always been my sweet tooth.  I have a love hate relationship with sugary things, especially chocolate.  I love sugary treats with a passion, too much passion, but after consumption they fill me with a self loathing and hatred that I gave in to the sweet tooth and that I sabotaged my own great day of healthy eating.  When I say I give in I don't mean I've had 2 squares of Lindt, oh no I'll have eaten the whole bar. There are days I really can't stop myself. I HAVE to have it. 

I'm still learning to forgive myself for these great big misdomenours and eventually I know that my brain will figure all this out. That the little grey cells will realise sugar isn't really needed as I'm getting plenty of polysaccarides from other sources not just that wonderful, dark, silky delight called chocolate.  I know that the old grey matter will catchup eventually, but eventually in now no longer good enough.  Now it's time to take the reigns off the sugar demon in my head and qwell it's cries for sweet satisfaction once and for all.

Yes it's time for self hypnosis.  I'm a firm believer in the power of the mind, that you can be exactly who you want to be through training the brain. It's something that I used when I first gave up smoking and now I'm going back to it.  I'm so close to my end goal. I'm so near I can see the finish line and the new me just beyond reaching our her lean muscular arms, to embrace the old hagard me and subsume her into this bright light of success with her air of gentle but unquestionable self confidence.  She stands there, a shining beacon of what I can create myself to be.  She's also carrying a double platinum disc with the Triaxis logo on and happens to have a certificate for trainer of the year in the other hand. (Well If i'm shrinking my size my other dreams are going to be big ;) )  I have this clear and distinct image of what I will look like at my end goal.  That is now so ingraned into my thinking that nothing will stop me, except this damned demon that craves sugar.

So me and the demon have had a chat, we're having regular morning meetings where, for 30 minutes, the demon gets pounded in to the ground under the feet of that chisled, strong, lean Krissie that's waiting at the finish line with her double platinum disc and Fitness Trainer of the Year certificate.

I'm not saying I'm giving up chocolate, oh no on the contrary, but this is now chocolate consumption on my terms, on sensible terms. This is now the 'this square is suffcient and I do not need to go and retrieve the whole bar' mindset.  This is now, I do not need chocolate with every cup of coffee, the 'I had fruit and a merginue shell with yogurt as a desert, I  no longer need that Raspberry Ruffle at 10pm'. This is that fabled control that we all strive to gain and maintain. This control comes and goes as the journey progresses.  If you've read my other posts there are months where I have it in abundance and then it disappears completely. But now I am resolved, now I feel ready to really tackle this little piece of the puzzle once and for all.

So, sugar craving demon, time for your next therapy session......

Krissie
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