So I faced my fear....

I know I've been harping on about it for the whole week over on my Facebook page but this is something huge for me, well I suppose it's something huge for anyone who has battled with their own self image.  But last Saturday my pole dance school put on a Birthday Showcase to celebrate the studio having been open for a whole year.  Students, seasoned performers and our instructor all put on a show to raise money for Ty Olwen Trust (a hospice for palliative care in Swansea).

We raised the amazing amount of £600.  I am so very very pleased to have been a small part in that.

Getting your legs out in tiny Daisy Dukes for all unsundry to see isn't my usually idea of fun. As you all know from reading this blog I've battled with my own insecurities when it comes to my body and how I (and vainly how others) perceive it. I think it's fair to say we all do, make and female alike. So to not only wear revealing (for me) attire and then to pole dance in said attire to an audience of almost 100 people?? Yep that's a scary prospect. Armed with Rainbow's Lady of the Lake, and adopting the stage name Annie Rage Dio (yeah I know, I couldn't help myself), I donned the denim hot pants, my slashed Iced Earth T and with lots of hair flying about the place I danced a fairly ok routine for 3 and half minutes.  And I actually enjoyed it.

Yep that's me on the pole giving the horns



I am exceptionally proud that even though nerves had rendered me a wreck for the best part of 3 days on the run up to the performance, I still sucked it up and did it.  It was remeniscent of taking that first step into the gym and fearing that everyone was looking at and judging you.  Only difference is this time everyone IS looking at you. You are on your own, it's just you and a 50mm thick, 10 foot tall piece of steel on a platform. As I had said to my fellow students, you can put me on a stage in jeans and a tshirt with mic in hand and I will feel the utterly at home, it's MY stage and you will pay attention. But this, this was something else. 

On the pole you are exposed, there is only your body and how it moves to wow the audience with. There is only your strength and poise to gain approval.  BUT and this was the thing I learned the most from doing this, there is also confidence. Attack it as though it's something you do everyday, and suddenly, what nerves? They flew out the window and I realised, 'hang on I'm enjoying this, and the crowd are whooping and appluading' and I didn't fall off. (Thankfully).  Things I have learned from the day are: if you forget the moves just keep moving and flicking that hair; point your toes more; straighten out the legs for a smoother line; and build on upper body strength further. But I am very pleased with how it all went.  And I am exceptionally proud of my fellow students/performers and of Dawn for being an inspiration.

As for the new target well, I didn't hit my weightloss target but I have lost 3 inches all over in the last month so that has pleased me and I haven't put on an weight either.  I have started a new training routine which I've only managed to complete 4 sessions of end of March and then ended up with a sore knee (due to something else not the new routine) but that's a blog for another day.

2012 for me is all about embracing the fear; fear of those things that sit in the back of the mind; those things that you look at others doing and think 'if only'. This year I've been making it my mission to say 'why not?' Why not me to be the one to take the bull by the horns and start learning a new skill, why not then take that skill and run with it at a performance level? And that's exactly what I did. I have many people to thank for helping me embrace the fear on this the first of my challenges that I've set myself and they know who they are.

So hello personal acceptance with my body, hello new found confidence about performing in public and not solely relying on my voice, hello to the me that I've been looking for for quite some time.  I always knew you were in here somewhere.

So what's next in my challenges for this year.  Well.... I'll tell you more on it another time ;)

Until then, be kind to yourself, as always

Much love

Krissie

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A New Target, and do something scary? Oh, OK then...

One day I will be able to do this :D

I've become enamoured with the idea that we should all embrace doing something that scares the bejesus out of us.  One of those scary things, for me, is showing my far from perfect body in public in less than a tshirt and jeans. So to do something that invloves having as much bare skin available as possible, in public....well *bites nails*!  I'm not talking naked, oh no but shorts and cropped top and I'm talking shorts as in Daisy Duke's for those that can remember the Dukes of Hazard. So after a very strenuous and fun pole dancing class last night, I have decided to bite the bullet and do my first solo performance in May.

I'm not very good at this stage, I hasten to add, as I'm still learning the basics, I've only been doing proper classes for 10 weeks so far. The spins I am fairly competent with, my climb is getting stronger and I can now sit on the pole with just my legs keeping me from sliding into an ungraceful heap at the foot of the stage (yes I did shout 'Look Ma, no hands' when I finally let go of the pole and just used my legs to maintain grip).  However, I have yet to master some of the extensions and I haven't even begun on the inversions. I have 8 weeks before the performance.  I should also perhaps stop shouting 'weeeeeeeeeeeee' as I fall into the Kamikazi spin :D

The routine will be done only in front of my class mates, other students at my dance school and our family and friends.  And it is for charity. But to say I'm a little apprehensive is an understatement. I know I will only be doing spins and tricks that I am capable of doing at this stage, but me being me I want to be hanging up side down by only my toes or something rediculous like that.  I've always wanted to run before I could walk, and that shows no sign of changing as I get older.  So the old adge of older and wiser ummmm no doesn't exist apparently!  I have fallen utterly in love with pole dancing. It's something I've always wanted to try.  I've never really viewed myself as a sexy person, or a graceful dancer - think more elephant from Fantasia - so to do something that can utilise the strength I do have, build on it, increase my flexibility and be a honest to goodness work out, oh and may just happen to give the illusion of being slightly sexier than a hephalump, then I'm game for it. I'm so in love with it I've bought my own pole. Hurrah!

Armed with Thunder's 'I Love You More Than Rock'n'Roll' (and with a list of 5 other rock and metal tracks that I want to start choreographing routines too), you can say that the bug really has bitten hard.  Now I just need to buy some knee pads for rehearsing so I can stop the perpetual bruising on my left knee.

But what about the new target? Well it's just under nine weeks until the performance and I have 18lbs left to lose to get to my goal weight of 150lbs. There is absolutely no reason why I cannot lose at least 8lbs of that before the performance if not a little more.  I've set my target to 10lbs loss.  I'm aiming to be 158 - 160lbs by the time I perform. And this is the start of the final push.  The end goal is in sight and I'm more determined than ever to get to it.  Everytime I get on the treadmill or lift that weight I see her, the me I know I'm meant to be, smiling at that goal line (still with Platinum discs for music and Personal Trainer of the Year award in hand).  It's a powerful image. If I lose that 10lbs by the performance then I'm in last half a stone terriroty.... I'm almost there.  I'm so damned close.  Hovering in the 75-80lb loss mark as I had for the best part of 3 months, the motivation although still there was nowhere near as strong.  It was almost a 'well, if it's going to come off it will come off when it's ready' sort of attitude.  Now I've broke out of that limbo and the weight has started to decrease again I'm looking at it with a renewed determination and I've taken back the control on that attitude. It's no longer a case of thinking it'll come off when it's ready, it's more of an it's coming off period, attitude.

Pole dancing hasn't just helped in the 'get stronger' stakes, it's given me a new found confidence with my own body.  I have stretch marks and scars from weight gain, both visable and in the old noggin' but they are my scars, I own them and I am proud of them as they have helped me become the person I am now.  They are war wounds from many battles and the war is over, I've won! I'm healthier than I have ever been.  I am happier than I have ever been and I am so passionate about this new found way of being that I want to help everyone reap the benefits of lifestyle change for the better  And if I can do that and have fun swinging from a 50mm thick pole in high heels screaming 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' as I spin..... well why the bloody hell not eh?  I'll let you know how it goes and if it's good, I may even post a video....possibly. ;)

Be kind to yourself, always, you rock!
And Much love
Krissie
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