A work still in progress....

A few weeks ago my dear friend and pole instructor posted on my Facebook wall that it was about time I posted some before and after pictures of my weight loss journey. I made the excuse that I needed to scan some photos on to the computer first. Truth is, I was still fat when digital cameras become the norm and, though I tried to always be the one behind the camera, there were pictures of me in that before phase lurking on my computer and various social sites.

No matter how hard I have tried to ignore her, she's always been there, lurking, waiting, a phantom of my past scratching away in the background, and I was desperately ashamed of her. I wanted her to disappear, to vanish into the digital ether, never to return and show me what I had done to myself.

I guess I just wasn't quite ready to look at that before picture and say 'I'm sorry' to myself for being that unhappy and for letting it all get so out of control. I'm not sure what I was running away from at the time, and at the time it must have been very painful and important. I suppose part of it was losing my Grandfather to leukaemia but this downward spiral had started way before Grampa became ill.  No this started before then, but now, over six years since the before picture was taken I'm hard pressed to recall what was making me so miserable that I had pretty much given up on myself. The only good constant at the time was (and thankfully still is) my solid marriage to possibly then most understanding person I have ever met, my beloved hubby. Everything else, well it's a bit of a blur and all a bit hazy.

However, yesterday I sat with my finger hovering over the post button on Facebook with the comparison before and after picture, shaking at the prospect of allowing the social network world see how I used to be, who I used to be, the mess I used to be. And here I sat, scared of the judgements that would be dished out.

I should, and do know better. There never was any question of people being judgemental. In fact, quite the opposite. The comments I received were amazing and I am sincerely grateful to everyone who posted.  As my American cousins would say, I was feeling the love. And then it struck me. I needed to say sorry to myself, for putting my 21-30 year old self through all that unhealthy behaviour.  I know I've often talked about not listening to that voice when she rears her head but have I actually, properly said sorry to myself? Not until today, I hadn't and I meant it. I sat here, looking at the 30 year old me in that before picture, struggling to fit her hands in her jeans pocket and said how sorry I am that I screwed our 20s up. How sorry I am that I didn't look after us, and that we have come out the other side smiling, happier and far healthier.  And Pandora and I have had a good sob. Yes she will have her moments when she creeps up with her self doubt and snide remarks at how rough I might look after a gig night, but she's/we/I am only human.

So here it is, the before and after picture.  The before on the left taken in Boscastle in April 2006, and the after (although I still have another stone I want shot of) picture taken in June 2012. There is still work to be done, inside as well as out, but everything is on the upward spiral, and life is good.

Be kind to yourselves, always

much love

Krissie

Xx

Mud, mud and more mud!

So we did it! We arrived a little under an hour before our heat and we registered for our first ever Spartan Sprint :D

The registration process for the event is a very well oiled machine.  With waiver forms in hand all signed and ready to just be handed in, we were given our timing chips to attach to our shoes so that we didn't have to worry about the effects of water/mud and various other substances on HRMs and the like.

Having picked up our timing chip which also acted as our bib and with our numbers inked in indelible ink on our foreheads (for the pictures apparently), we handed in our keys to the key drop and prepared to warm up. And that's when disaster almost struck! I was doing some high knees and I turned over on my ankle. The crack was as though I landed on a twig, but no that was my ankle going crunch. Luckily it wasn't a major sprain just a slight twist and with some quick stretching it seemed to be fine, and what tiny twinges of pain I had dissipated. Had there been instant swelling and bruising, or any pain when I applied body weight onto the ankle, I would have withdrawn from the race.  However, there was nothing immediately apparent, and we had another 25 mins before the start of our heat, plenty of time for me to do a self diagnostic as were and check that I was still race fit. Thankfully, all was well. So time to Spartan the f*** up and get to it.

We lined up, amongst likeminded men and women, all ready to tackle whatever the course threw at us. The master of ceremonies took as through what we faced, and for the brave amongst us who were undertaking the Super Spartan they were told they'd have to do the course twice and with a brick on the second time through, 2 tyres instead of one, and 2 sand bags on the carry instead of one. As the course was a double for the super we worked out that we had roughly a 6 to 6.5 Km course to get through.  (The Super is over 12km). With the cry of 'What is your profession?' and our obligatory 'Aroo! Aroo! Aroo!' we started over the line and we were off.

Mo Mud!

Various obstacles that we faced along the way included balance beams, wading through LOTS of river water (over 2km in water), low walls, high walls, carrying sand bags and tyres, cargo nets, spear throw, crawling through mud, and on one occasion under barbed wire, holding bricks up for a set period of time, rope ladders and all with lots of mud from the previous racers and ourselves. But they saved the most evil obstacles till last.  As we turned into the home straight, we were faced with a pit of ice under barbed wire, that we had to crawl through...and it was dyed red! As soon as we come out of the ice pit it was the rope wall, and the surface of the inclined wall is like tarpaulin, so slippery when wet, and muddy. We tried to get up it, my god did we try but alas no, so honour burpees it was. In fact on the entire course I only did 2 x 30 burpees which I was really pleased with. (The spear throw had a rule, 1 throw and if you miss you do burpees...I missed but that's fine, if you recall I'm one of those weird people who like burpees)

Updating Facebook!

Around the 4km mark my knee started to give me some problems, so I'm not out of the woods with the old IT Band syndrome just yet and no doubt my physio will give me a telling off on Wednesday ;) But damn it this was something I needed to do for me and my great gods did I enjoy it.

Caked in mud, we finished our race, removed our chips, collected our medals and made our way back to the car to clean off, obviously had to update all social networking site, put civies back on and grab some food.  A quick jolly back over to the main arena saw us bump into one of the most inspiring fitness aficionados that I have ever witnessed. Doing a double take and saying to OH 'isn't that Jessie Pavelka?' lo, it was indeed Mr Palvelka in all his chiseled glory, with that dazzling smile.  What a thoroughly lovely man, he even obliged me with a photograph. I came away starstruck, utterly starstruck.

No sparkle here, just lots of glow!

All in all, a bloody good day. I lost my sparkle, met a fitness idol, had a great day with OH and faced my fear of heights head on scaling that cargo net and high wall. I feel quite accomplished. They say on the blurb that 'You'll know at the finish line' and you now what, you do.  You know that nothing can beat you if you really give it everything you have, and even if you fail at something there will be another way around the problem. What you know at the finish line is that you CAN do it and more, that you are strong in mind, body and spirit and that this community you've found yourself in all believe that and understand it too. You know at the finish line exactly who you are.

With Jessie Pavelka

Clean and proud Spartan Chick!

So next on the agenda is a visit to my physio and to really work on getting the strength and flexibility back in my IT band, I have a routine to film in pole tomorrow with my class, then I can start training for the Zombie Evacuation run in October,  and after that in 2013 the next sprint and maybe the super, and possibly the beast ;) Well, why not eh?

As always, be kind to yourself
Much love
Krissie
xx
Officially a Spartan Chick!

Spartan Up Buster!

About a year ago a friend of mine sent me a video on Facebook, all about a series of obstacle course races that happen across the globe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4aM0fpS0IU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I watched in wonder at this madness that had people crawling through pits of mud, under barbed wire, and grinning like utter loons while doing so. What was this wondrous thing, and was it available in the UK?

Well it turns out that, yes, the Spartan Series and Tough Mudder are both in the UK. For those of you who follow this blog, you know I love crazy ways of keeping fit and what is more crazy than taking on a series of obstacle courses over varying distances in a metric tonne of mud? The Sprint is the smaller of the three main Spartan races, and is a 5km run with 15 or more obstacles. If there is an obstacle that you just can't complete then you have the option to do burpees. And this will come as a huge surprise to many but I fricking LOVE burpees. Plyometric and strength conditioning with core stability all in one fluid movement, what's not to love?

So here I am, typing on my trusty iPad, in the car enroute to my first ever Spartan Sprint. Am I nervous? A little. Am I excited? Hell yes. I'm all about embracing the fear and pushing yourself that little further.  Now to just get through the never ending stream of roadworks on the M50/M5 and we're all set ;)


For all my fellow chicks who are losing their sparkle this weekend, good on ya girls, I'll see you at the finish line :D

Will blog with pictures if I survive ;)

As always, be kind to yourself
Much love
Krissie

X

By Jove, I think I've cracked it.....

Well, when I say cracked it, I don't think I've figured out a definitive 'this is what you should do way' of ensuring you feel comfortable in your own skin, but for me personally I've had a bit of a breakthrough.

I suppose a lot of it has been to do with the accepting that I'm not wonder woman after all, that I can't do everything and also that I need to just let certain things go, drift off and not worry about them so unnecessarily. It's been quite the breakthrough 12 months since I decided that I needed to start figuring out what exactly it would take to regain my inner peace.  It rarely bothered me as a kid what others thought of me yet through much of my adult life it's been of massive concern.  I'm still not 100% sure why that is, and if Freud were still alive he'd probably ask my to take a seat and tell him about my mother. But really I think the most of it stems from my weight issues.

And this is where the biggest leap forward comes into play.

2 weeks ago I was sat on the sofa having my usual banter with the hubby and discussing the day's happenings when it dawned on me... I'm really comfortable being 12 stone in weight. I'm not displeased, berating myself, calling myself names, I'm not fat (well technically I'm still overweight according to medical definitions but I'm in the best shape I've ever been in my adult life), I'm active, healthy, in a size 14 (straight off the hanger I might add) and doing the things I love to do.

I actually realised that I might not lose anymore weight, body fat yes and maybe a couple of pounds but I will gain muscle, I will be smaller but I'll still weight roughly the same. And that's OK, in fact that's perfectly fine and I'm happy with that.  I look in the mirror and she's gone, the hephalump, big tonne Bess who stared at me for so many years, and Pandora is really quiet, no snide quips, no derogatory remarks.  I look in the mirror and for the first time in a very long time I actually see me.  And she's not half bad.  This is a massive leap forward, I'm utterly accepting of myself and though I might still want to ditch some body fat (but that's because I want to have that sleek muscular look) the number on the scale is finally meaningless.

So this breakthrough comes, and I decide that to really ensure I'm looking after my new found mental equilibrium that it's time to just do some final adjustments on my food habits.  Mainly sugar.  I have a reaction to it and I break out in spots. I'm pretty sure it causes my skin oil to increase production and I can always tell when I've had a lot of sugar as I have an outbreak.  So out went the daily treats and now it's a couple of squares (literally 2) of chocolate, maybe some berries and cream, and possibly on the odd occasion a Krissie friendly cake from Starbucks, but otherwise the rice cakes with chocolate and the ginger truffle squares have all been ditched (plus as they are all free from, they cost a bomb too). The decision on the sugary treats was reached last Friday when the last of the cakes in the cupboard were eaten.  We just decided not to buy anymore.  So last Friday (May 27th) that was that.  I get on the scale yesterday morning (to check my body fat percentage more than anything) and BAM, I've lost 3lbs in weight and 2% body fat.  GO FIGURE!

I'm now at 165lbs, I've lost a total of 85lbs.  And to top it all off, I'm 1lb away from being no longer clinically  overweight.  For the first time in 15 years, if that last pound drops off, I'll cease to be overweight officially.....

That's made my day, that has. Oh and I managed 40 full press ups on Tuesday this week, not all in one go of course, I did a set of 10, then did my cardio drill, then did 10 repeated my cardio drill and so on and so forth.  Which reminds me tomorrow I'll update my workout page.  BUT, and this is the huge thing. If I do ever get to 10stone 10lbs (150lbs) then great but you know what, it's absolutely no biggee if I don't.  I really am finally happy in my own skin and I don't think it's the number on my scale, that's not important anymore.  I think what's helped me reach this milestone has been all the research into eating habits, thought processes of why I was turning to food, learning to let go of issues new and old and ultimately realising only I have the power to make myself happy or sad, and I choose happy every time.  Nothing beats this feeling.... not even chocolate.


As always, be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

Much love

Krissie
x

So I faced my fear....

I know I've been harping on about it for the whole week over on my Facebook page but this is something huge for me, well I suppose it's something huge for anyone who has battled with their own self image.  But last Saturday my pole dance school put on a Birthday Showcase to celebrate the studio having been open for a whole year.  Students, seasoned performers and our instructor all put on a show to raise money for Ty Olwen Trust (a hospice for palliative care in Swansea).

We raised the amazing amount of £600.  I am so very very pleased to have been a small part in that.

Getting your legs out in tiny Daisy Dukes for all unsundry to see isn't my usually idea of fun. As you all know from reading this blog I've battled with my own insecurities when it comes to my body and how I (and vainly how others) perceive it. I think it's fair to say we all do, make and female alike. So to not only wear revealing (for me) attire and then to pole dance in said attire to an audience of almost 100 people?? Yep that's a scary prospect. Armed with Rainbow's Lady of the Lake, and adopting the stage name Annie Rage Dio (yeah I know, I couldn't help myself), I donned the denim hot pants, my slashed Iced Earth T and with lots of hair flying about the place I danced a fairly ok routine for 3 and half minutes.  And I actually enjoyed it.

Yep that's me on the pole giving the horns



I am exceptionally proud that even though nerves had rendered me a wreck for the best part of 3 days on the run up to the performance, I still sucked it up and did it.  It was remeniscent of taking that first step into the gym and fearing that everyone was looking at and judging you.  Only difference is this time everyone IS looking at you. You are on your own, it's just you and a 50mm thick, 10 foot tall piece of steel on a platform. As I had said to my fellow students, you can put me on a stage in jeans and a tshirt with mic in hand and I will feel the utterly at home, it's MY stage and you will pay attention. But this, this was something else. 

On the pole you are exposed, there is only your body and how it moves to wow the audience with. There is only your strength and poise to gain approval.  BUT and this was the thing I learned the most from doing this, there is also confidence. Attack it as though it's something you do everyday, and suddenly, what nerves? They flew out the window and I realised, 'hang on I'm enjoying this, and the crowd are whooping and appluading' and I didn't fall off. (Thankfully).  Things I have learned from the day are: if you forget the moves just keep moving and flicking that hair; point your toes more; straighten out the legs for a smoother line; and build on upper body strength further. But I am very pleased with how it all went.  And I am exceptionally proud of my fellow students/performers and of Dawn for being an inspiration.

As for the new target well, I didn't hit my weightloss target but I have lost 3 inches all over in the last month so that has pleased me and I haven't put on an weight either.  I have started a new training routine which I've only managed to complete 4 sessions of end of March and then ended up with a sore knee (due to something else not the new routine) but that's a blog for another day.

2012 for me is all about embracing the fear; fear of those things that sit in the back of the mind; those things that you look at others doing and think 'if only'. This year I've been making it my mission to say 'why not?' Why not me to be the one to take the bull by the horns and start learning a new skill, why not then take that skill and run with it at a performance level? And that's exactly what I did. I have many people to thank for helping me embrace the fear on this the first of my challenges that I've set myself and they know who they are.

So hello personal acceptance with my body, hello new found confidence about performing in public and not solely relying on my voice, hello to the me that I've been looking for for quite some time.  I always knew you were in here somewhere.

So what's next in my challenges for this year.  Well.... I'll tell you more on it another time ;)

Until then, be kind to yourself, as always

Much love

Krissie

x

A New Target, and do something scary? Oh, OK then...

One day I will be able to do this :D

I've become enamoured with the idea that we should all embrace doing something that scares the bejesus out of us.  One of those scary things, for me, is showing my far from perfect body in public in less than a tshirt and jeans. So to do something that invloves having as much bare skin available as possible, in public....well *bites nails*!  I'm not talking naked, oh no but shorts and cropped top and I'm talking shorts as in Daisy Duke's for those that can remember the Dukes of Hazard. So after a very strenuous and fun pole dancing class last night, I have decided to bite the bullet and do my first solo performance in May.

I'm not very good at this stage, I hasten to add, as I'm still learning the basics, I've only been doing proper classes for 10 weeks so far. The spins I am fairly competent with, my climb is getting stronger and I can now sit on the pole with just my legs keeping me from sliding into an ungraceful heap at the foot of the stage (yes I did shout 'Look Ma, no hands' when I finally let go of the pole and just used my legs to maintain grip).  However, I have yet to master some of the extensions and I haven't even begun on the inversions. I have 8 weeks before the performance.  I should also perhaps stop shouting 'weeeeeeeeeeeee' as I fall into the Kamikazi spin :D

The routine will be done only in front of my class mates, other students at my dance school and our family and friends.  And it is for charity. But to say I'm a little apprehensive is an understatement. I know I will only be doing spins and tricks that I am capable of doing at this stage, but me being me I want to be hanging up side down by only my toes or something rediculous like that.  I've always wanted to run before I could walk, and that shows no sign of changing as I get older.  So the old adge of older and wiser ummmm no doesn't exist apparently!  I have fallen utterly in love with pole dancing. It's something I've always wanted to try.  I've never really viewed myself as a sexy person, or a graceful dancer - think more elephant from Fantasia - so to do something that can utilise the strength I do have, build on it, increase my flexibility and be a honest to goodness work out, oh and may just happen to give the illusion of being slightly sexier than a hephalump, then I'm game for it. I'm so in love with it I've bought my own pole. Hurrah!

Armed with Thunder's 'I Love You More Than Rock'n'Roll' (and with a list of 5 other rock and metal tracks that I want to start choreographing routines too), you can say that the bug really has bitten hard.  Now I just need to buy some knee pads for rehearsing so I can stop the perpetual bruising on my left knee.

But what about the new target? Well it's just under nine weeks until the performance and I have 18lbs left to lose to get to my goal weight of 150lbs. There is absolutely no reason why I cannot lose at least 8lbs of that before the performance if not a little more.  I've set my target to 10lbs loss.  I'm aiming to be 158 - 160lbs by the time I perform. And this is the start of the final push.  The end goal is in sight and I'm more determined than ever to get to it.  Everytime I get on the treadmill or lift that weight I see her, the me I know I'm meant to be, smiling at that goal line (still with Platinum discs for music and Personal Trainer of the Year award in hand).  It's a powerful image. If I lose that 10lbs by the performance then I'm in last half a stone terriroty.... I'm almost there.  I'm so damned close.  Hovering in the 75-80lb loss mark as I had for the best part of 3 months, the motivation although still there was nowhere near as strong.  It was almost a 'well, if it's going to come off it will come off when it's ready' sort of attitude.  Now I've broke out of that limbo and the weight has started to decrease again I'm looking at it with a renewed determination and I've taken back the control on that attitude. It's no longer a case of thinking it'll come off when it's ready, it's more of an it's coming off period, attitude.

Pole dancing hasn't just helped in the 'get stronger' stakes, it's given me a new found confidence with my own body.  I have stretch marks and scars from weight gain, both visable and in the old noggin' but they are my scars, I own them and I am proud of them as they have helped me become the person I am now.  They are war wounds from many battles and the war is over, I've won! I'm healthier than I have ever been.  I am happier than I have ever been and I am so passionate about this new found way of being that I want to help everyone reap the benefits of lifestyle change for the better  And if I can do that and have fun swinging from a 50mm thick pole in high heels screaming 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' as I spin..... well why the bloody hell not eh?  I'll let you know how it goes and if it's good, I may even post a video....possibly. ;)

Be kind to yourself, always, you rock!
And Much love
Krissie
x