A New Target, and do something scary? Oh, OK then...

One day I will be able to do this :D

I've become enamoured with the idea that we should all embrace doing something that scares the bejesus out of us.  One of those scary things, for me, is showing my far from perfect body in public in less than a tshirt and jeans. So to do something that invloves having as much bare skin available as possible, in public....well *bites nails*!  I'm not talking naked, oh no but shorts and cropped top and I'm talking shorts as in Daisy Duke's for those that can remember the Dukes of Hazard. So after a very strenuous and fun pole dancing class last night, I have decided to bite the bullet and do my first solo performance in May.

I'm not very good at this stage, I hasten to add, as I'm still learning the basics, I've only been doing proper classes for 10 weeks so far. The spins I am fairly competent with, my climb is getting stronger and I can now sit on the pole with just my legs keeping me from sliding into an ungraceful heap at the foot of the stage (yes I did shout 'Look Ma, no hands' when I finally let go of the pole and just used my legs to maintain grip).  However, I have yet to master some of the extensions and I haven't even begun on the inversions. I have 8 weeks before the performance.  I should also perhaps stop shouting 'weeeeeeeeeeeee' as I fall into the Kamikazi spin :D

The routine will be done only in front of my class mates, other students at my dance school and our family and friends.  And it is for charity. But to say I'm a little apprehensive is an understatement. I know I will only be doing spins and tricks that I am capable of doing at this stage, but me being me I want to be hanging up side down by only my toes or something rediculous like that.  I've always wanted to run before I could walk, and that shows no sign of changing as I get older.  So the old adge of older and wiser ummmm no doesn't exist apparently!  I have fallen utterly in love with pole dancing. It's something I've always wanted to try.  I've never really viewed myself as a sexy person, or a graceful dancer - think more elephant from Fantasia - so to do something that can utilise the strength I do have, build on it, increase my flexibility and be a honest to goodness work out, oh and may just happen to give the illusion of being slightly sexier than a hephalump, then I'm game for it. I'm so in love with it I've bought my own pole. Hurrah!

Armed with Thunder's 'I Love You More Than Rock'n'Roll' (and with a list of 5 other rock and metal tracks that I want to start choreographing routines too), you can say that the bug really has bitten hard.  Now I just need to buy some knee pads for rehearsing so I can stop the perpetual bruising on my left knee.

But what about the new target? Well it's just under nine weeks until the performance and I have 18lbs left to lose to get to my goal weight of 150lbs. There is absolutely no reason why I cannot lose at least 8lbs of that before the performance if not a little more.  I've set my target to 10lbs loss.  I'm aiming to be 158 - 160lbs by the time I perform. And this is the start of the final push.  The end goal is in sight and I'm more determined than ever to get to it.  Everytime I get on the treadmill or lift that weight I see her, the me I know I'm meant to be, smiling at that goal line (still with Platinum discs for music and Personal Trainer of the Year award in hand).  It's a powerful image. If I lose that 10lbs by the performance then I'm in last half a stone terriroty.... I'm almost there.  I'm so damned close.  Hovering in the 75-80lb loss mark as I had for the best part of 3 months, the motivation although still there was nowhere near as strong.  It was almost a 'well, if it's going to come off it will come off when it's ready' sort of attitude.  Now I've broke out of that limbo and the weight has started to decrease again I'm looking at it with a renewed determination and I've taken back the control on that attitude. It's no longer a case of thinking it'll come off when it's ready, it's more of an it's coming off period, attitude.

Pole dancing hasn't just helped in the 'get stronger' stakes, it's given me a new found confidence with my own body.  I have stretch marks and scars from weight gain, both visable and in the old noggin' but they are my scars, I own them and I am proud of them as they have helped me become the person I am now.  They are war wounds from many battles and the war is over, I've won! I'm healthier than I have ever been.  I am happier than I have ever been and I am so passionate about this new found way of being that I want to help everyone reap the benefits of lifestyle change for the better  And if I can do that and have fun swinging from a 50mm thick pole in high heels screaming 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' as I spin..... well why the bloody hell not eh?  I'll let you know how it goes and if it's good, I may even post a video....possibly. ;)

Be kind to yourself, always, you rock!
And Much love
Krissie
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Another Non Scale Victory....hurrah!

So for, oh I don't know how long, I've been on the hunt for a pair of jeans that will not make me look like I'm wearing incontinence pants or that I'm wearing a waist band a size too small giving that 'muffin' top impression - or worse still both at the same time, which is what my current jeans appear to do.

I have hunted high and low, scoured through racks of jeans, cotton jeans style trousers, bootcut, slim leg, skinny, wide leg, jeans at full price, half price and all the other various offers there have been with no sign of finding a pair that fit, or will not stretch too far and will not make me feel like I'm not a frumpy old bird on stage.

Lo, today broke that trend.  The hubby and I decided to go shopping.  Mainly for me to find some new training bottoms, but I thought what the heck, lets take a trip to the Levi's store and see what they've got.  I've not been able to go in that store without feeling like the fat pretender for a very long time.  The last time I owned a pair of kosher Levi's jeans I was about 23 and weighed about 145lbs. Today I decided to suck it up and see if I actually had achieved one of the win conditions I set myself 6 years ago or if I was still going to be that blubbering wreck in the changing room as I have been in the past.

You see, I distinctly recall when a friend of mine was getting married.  My mother being the wonderful woman she is, took me shopping (my big sister came along too) to buy a new outfit for the wedding.  I tried on various outfits and eventually I had to settle for a skirt and jacket ensemble that did nothing for my figure or self esteem. I broke my heart in the changing rooms that day.  Nothing I tried would fit bar this purple mottled suit. Not my best week by a long shot.  The daft thing is that this didn't stop the downward spiral. I got bigger after that day, and I think part of it was the old 'Oh nothing fits now, I'm never going to be thin, I'm never going to be this that and the other'. It's so hard when that thinking becomes the norm.  It's difficult to really break that cycle.  As the years went on, the hubby was witness to many occasions where I would walk out of changing rooms angry with myself, crying at the fact nothing I wanted to wear would fit this size 26 (uk) weighing in at almost 18 stone girl. It wore me out.

But fast forward back to today. Oh my, what a feeling!

I picked up the blackest jeans that Levi's had in store. I chose the pair that (ok they are the widest waist they have at 32 inches) I thought would be the roughly right size.  Now considering that I haven't measured my waistline in about 2 months, I'm thinking at this point I should have actually measured waist and hips before leaving the house but hey ho. I headed to the changing rooms, removed the current jeans (which are 2 size too big now) and placed each leg into the jeans in turn. I have to be honest I was quite apprehensive at this point and I was really waiting for the jeans to hit my upper thighs and not go any further. But no, they slipped on like a glove, the button closed without having the breathe in (how many of us have done that?) and there was no muffin top.  Yes there was a squeal.

I left the changing rooms, the store clerk asked if they were ok, I regaled her with the tale of how it's been 12 years at least since I could fit into a pair of Levi's and then I walked to the counter picked up a second pair and paid - again telling the assistant behind the counter the same story with a stupid big grin on my face (I complimented her on her rather fabulous purple hat so that was my way of thanking her for listening to the exciting ramblings of this loon) and I walked out of Levi's with 2 pairs of jeans and a huge ego boost.

And the upshot of all this?  It's made me ever more determined to hit my target weight loss of 100lbs. Because if that's the feeling I get now, then the feeling I'm going to get when I hit that target is going to be something pretty special.  And yes there will be a huge blog when that day comes.

Be kind to yourself, always.

Much love
Krissie
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